The Cost of Yes: How the People Pleasing Saboteur Undermines Your Potential
In our interconnected and often conflict-ridden world, the ability to cooperate and seek harmony is often, rightly, seen as a strength. However, for those influenced by the People-Pleasing Saboteur, an over-use of this trait can become an obstacle rather than an asset.
Driven by a need for approval and a fear of conflict, this saboteur undermines self-identity and growth by prioritising others’ feelings at the expense of one’s own.
What is the People Pleasing Saboteur?
The People Pleasing Saboteur is characterised by a strong need to be liked and a compulsion to gain validation through self-sacrifice and compliance. It convinces individuals that their worth is derived solely from being agreeable and accommodating to others, and they may take pride in being seen as flexible, kind and able to shoulder a lot of responsibility. While kindness and supportiveness are valuable qualities, in excess, they become a liability, creating a cycle of overextension, lack of boundaries and self-neglect.
This saboteur pushes individuals to avoid sharing their real thoughts or feelings, for fear of rejection or appearing selfish. This pattern creates an imbalance in relationships and can ultimately lead to burnout and dissatisfaction.
How the People Pleasing Saboteur Manifests
- Overcommitment: People with the people pleasing self-saboteur find it very hard to say no because they are afraid to upset the other person. Therefore, saying yes becomes a reflex, even when it results in overwork or neglect of personal priorities.
- Boundary Erosion: Fear of upsetting others often prevents individuals from setting or maintaining healthy boundaries, leading to feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed. People with the people pleasing saboteur may blame others for taking advantage of them.
- Dependency on Validation: Self-esteem is overly reliant on external approval, making individuals sensitive to criticism and eager to please.
- Avoidance of Conflict: The saboteur’s aversion to confrontation leads to suppressed feelings and unspoken grievances, which can eventually strain relationships.
- Exhaustion and Resentment: Over time, constantly prioritising others can lead to emotional fatigue and hidden resentment, affecting both well-being and interpersonal dynamics. Often the suppression of feelings results in withdrawal, but occasionally they may have sudden outbursts of emotion that (to others) seem to come from nowhere, but have actually been building up for some time.
- Internal Conflict: People with the people pleasing saboteur may feel resentful that nobody loves them for who they really are, but also struggle to express their authentic thoughts and feelings, making it impossible for someone to really know them.
How the People Pleasing Saboteur Develops
The roots of people-pleasing behaviours often stem from early life experiences. Caregivers were often very protective – believing that they knew best for the child and therefore not allowing them any autonomy. They may have used the withdrawal of affection, shame or guilt as a way of controlling the child’s behaviour. Children who grow up in this environment where approval feels conditional on pleasing their caregiver learn to associate compliance and putting others feelings first with love and acceptance. As adults, this manifests as a pattern of seeking validation through service and avoidance of disapproval.
Societal influences also play a role. Norms that reward selflessness and discourage assertiveness can reinforce the belief that one’s worth is tied to their ability to accommodate others. Over time, these internalised messages create a persistent fear of prioritising your own thoughts and feelings.
Breaking Free from the People Pleasing Saboteur
Liberating oneself from the People-Pleasing Saboteur requires a commitment to self-awareness and intentional change. Here are some actionable steps you can take:
- Recognise the Pattern
Begin by identifying situations where you’ve prioritised others at your own expense. Reflect on the motivations behind these decisions and consider how they align with your true values.
- Challenge the Belief System
Reframe the narrative that pleasing others defines your worth. Remind yourself that setting boundaries and valuing your own needs are acts of strength, not selfishness. Learn how to disrupt your thinking patterns that lead to you not speaking your mind. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) offers some useful techniques for pattern disruption and re-framing.
- Practice Assertiveness
Learn to communicate your thoughts and feelings clearly and respectfully. Assertiveness doesn’t mean being confrontational; it’s about expressing yourself honestly and confidently. Build your assertiveness muscles with regular practice.
- Start Small with Boundaries
Begin with manageable changes, such as declining a minor request or voicing your preferences/feelings in a low-stakes situation. Gradually build your comfort with setting boundaries.
The Road To Balance
Releasing the People-Pleasing Saboteur doesn’t mean abandoning your kindness or desire to support others. Instead, it’s about creating balance and ensuring that your generosity comes from a place of authenticity and abundance rather than obligation. By prioritising your well-being, you’ll find greater energy, clarity, and fulfilment in both your personal and professional relationships.
Ultimately, you are at your best when you’re true to yourself. By challenging the People-Pleasing Saboteur, you empower yourself to build stronger, more genuine connections that honour both your feelings and those of others. Remember, saying no to others isn’t a rejection; it’s an affirmation of your worth and priorities.
Want To Identify Your Self-Saboteurs?
Why not take our quick quiz to identify which of six self-saboteurs is is most likely to be holding you back from meeting your full potential.
Click here to complete the quiz.
Keen to know more?
To support you in your development, we have a range of self-guided workbooks that can help you make friends with your self-saboteurs. You can access them for free by joining the Liberare Consulting Community – simply complete the form at the foot of the page.
Should you want more personalised support, check out our Being Free page which details a range of solutions to help you move forward with your personal and professional development.
Click on the pictures below to find out more about the other self-saboteurs
Achievement
Disconnection
Helping
Hyper-vigilance
Perfectionism
