What Are Single Parent Microaggressions?
There is a lot of discussion in organisations and the media about microaggressions, which are the often subtle comments and actions which have a negative impact on the recipient. They are frequently unintentional, and may well be received in a different way to
which they were intended. In isolation, each comment may seem small or harmless, but it is the cumulative effect that begins to take a toll on individuals, and serve as a constant reminder that they are different, or they don’t belong. There is very little written about single parent microaggressions, who often feel like an invisible minority group in the workplace, with very little focus given to acknowledging their challenges and actively supporting them. There is a huge amount of judgement and guilt that single parents experience, and microaggressions such as the ones below only add to it, so please think about the potential impact when making this kind of comment or assumption.
“My husband/wife is away with work this week, so I’m a single parent”
As single parents we appreciate that you are finding it hard taking on the full responsibility of caring for your children, but please don’t think that a week or so gives you anything more than a tiny glimpse into the complexities of our lives.
Your brief sojourn will end, your partner will eventually come and pick up some of the tasks, they are helping with paying the bills, and often they are on the other end of the phone if you need to make a difficult decision. Being on your own for a week or so is hard, but it’s not the same as being a single parent.
Describing yourself as a ‘solo parent’ because your partner works/travels a lot, therefore you do most of the parenting
This is similar but subtly different to the one above. The ‘solo parent’ term is sometimes used by people whose partners have jobs that take them away for long periods of time (e.g. working on oil rigs or being deployed by the military). However, in the single parent world, a solo parent is one where the other parent is not involved at all, either because the other parent has died, or because they have chosen not to be involved for some reason.
“Can’t your husband/wife pick up your kids?” or “Leaving early again today?” or “Let’s have a breakfast meeting”
Don’t assume that everyone has a partner involved in the day to day parenting of their kids. 15.4% of families in the UK, and 23% in the US are single parent families. Being a working single parent is a relentless juggling act, and we feel constantly torn. Believe us, we wouldn’t be leaving that important and exciting work event early or if we really didn’t have to. We feel guilty enough, and we really don’t need you to remind us.
“You only have one child, so being a single parent isn’t that bad”
It’s true that having more than one child increases complexity, but having an only child also means that our one child doesn’t have anyone to play with and either we have to entertain them, or they learn to entertain themselves. We may feel guilt about the fact we have an only child. Please don’t add to it, and don’t diminish the challenges of single parenthood because we have ‘only’ one child.
A key starting point for organisations is to acknowledge single parents as a distinct group who have needs, obstacles (and strengths) that may be different from other working parents. Engage with us, listen to us, let us educate you and others in the organisation, and be prepared to build flexible policies and procedures that meet our unique needs.
