The Helping Trap: How the Helping Saboteur Derails Your Success
Helping others is often seen as one of the most positive traits a person can possess. However, for those in the grip of the Helping Saboteur, this impulse to assist can lead to burnout and frustration. By prioritising others’ needs above their own, individuals caught in this dynamic risk neglecting their own goals and well-being, ultimately limiting their growth.
What is the Helping Saboteur?
The Helping Saboteur is a behavioural pattern and mindset rooted in an excessive focus on supporting others, often to the detriment of one’s own priorities and health. While being supportive is a strength in moderation, people with a strong Helping Saboteur are convinced that their value lies solely in their ability to provide for and assist others. This often results in over-extension, burnout, and a sense of frustration.
People with a strong Helping Saboteur often struggle to establish boundaries or delegate tasks. They’re driven by a deep desire to feel needed and valued, which often masks underlying fears of inadequacy or rejection. They may feel proud of being laid back and low maintenance, and judge others who they perceive as ‘needy’.
How the Helping Saboteur Manifests
- Overextending Support: Taking on too many responsibilities, even when it means sacrificing personal time and energy. It is common for people with the Helping Self-Saboteur to downplay their own needs. Sometimes to the extent that they don’t know what their needs are anymore.
- Neglecting Self-Care: Focusing so heavily on others’ needs that personal health, hobbies, or relaxation are deprioritised. People with the Helping Self-Saboteur often report an active internal-dialogue that downplays their own needs when they are in conflict with others desires.
- Enabling Dependence: Constantly stepping in to solve problems or give advice to others. This can be seen as unsolicited advice or can inadvertently prevent those individuals from developing their own skills or independence.
- Resentment and Frustration: People with the Helping Saboteur find it difficult to articulate their needs. They often say that they want others to ‘just know’ and believe that if they have to ask it doesn’t count. Over time, the imbalance created by constantly giving can lead to hidden resentment toward others and frustration with oneself.
How the Helping Saboteur Develops
The Helping Saboteur often emerges from early life experiences where approval and love were tied to acts of service or selflessness. These individuals may have learned to prioritise others’ needs as a way of gaining acceptance or avoiding conflict. Over time, this pattern becomes internalised, creating a belief that helping others is the only way to feel valued and that expressing needs will lead to judgment or rejection.
Typically their caregivers didn’t meet their needs for affection, nurturing or praise. We frequently hear that they were told that ‘I want doesn’t get’, and that their needs were less important than their caregivers or the wider family needs.
Cultural and societal norms also play a significant role in reinforcing self-saboteurs. Messages that glorify selflessness and caregiving, especially for certain groups or roles, reinforce the Helping Saboteur’s hold. This means that they feel proud of their selflessness and find it challenging for individuals to see their own worth beyond their ability to help others.
Breaking Free from the Helping Saboteur
Overcoming the Helping Saboteur requires a shift in mindset and behaviour. Here are some practical strategies to reclaim balance and focus:
- Acknowledge the Pattern
Start by recognising how the Helping Saboteur manifests in your life. Reflect on instances where you’ve prioritised others at your expense and consider the impact on your goals and well-being.
- Redefine Your Value
Challenge the belief that your worth is tied to how much you help others. Celebrate your achievements, strengths, and individuality outside of your supportive role. Write down all of the things you like about yourself. Remind yourself that you are worth it!
- Set Healthy Boundaries
Pause before saying ‘yes’. Tune in and ask yourself what you really want to do. Learn to say no or set limits on your availability. Boundaries are not acts of selfishness; they are essential for preserving your energy and focus. Remind yourself that your needs just as important as anyone else’s.
- Prioritise Self-Care
Dedicate time to your own needs, whether it’s physical health, hobbies, or relaxation. Remember, taking care of yourself enables you to show up more fully for others. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
- Seek Out Mutual Support
Shift the dynamic from one-sided giving to reciprocal relationships. Allow yourself to ask for and receive help and support when you need it. Remember that people often like to be asked to help, and (particularly in a work context) it can be developmental for them.
The Path to Balanced Helping
Quieting the Helping Saboteur doesn’t mean abandoning your supportive nature. Instead, it’s about finding balance and ensuring that your acts of service come from a place of abundance and authenticity rather than obligation or fear of rejection.
By addressing the underlying beliefs and behaviours that fuel the Helping Saboteur, you can create space for your own growth while continuing to positively impact others. The journey requires patience and self-compassion, but the rewards—greater energy, fulfilment, and connection—are well worth the effort.
Remember, your ability to help others is a gift, but it’s not the sole measure of your worth. When you prioritise your own needs and set healthy boundaries, you become not only a better helper but also a more empowered and fulfilled individual.
Want To Identify Your Self-Saboteurs?
Why not take our quick quiz to identify which of six self-saboteurs is is most likely to be holding you back from meeting your full potential.
Click here to complete the quiz.
Keen to know more?
To support you in your development, we have a range of self-guided workbooks that can help you make friends with your self-saboteurs. You can access them for free by joining the Liberare Consulting Community – simply complete the form below.
Should you want more personalised support, check out our Being Free page which details a range of solutions to help you move forward with your personal and professional development.
Click on the pictures below to find out more about the other self-saboteurs
Achievement
Disconnection
Hyper-vigilance
People Pleasing
Perfectionism
